“Shimeji you can’t stalk your ex husband around town.” Birch explained sitting down in Shimeji’s now empty house where only he lived.
“It’s fine, it’s fine, I’ve come up with a plan? Enoki always talks to the Elder around 5am to do his daily report on the inner growth of the forest canopy. Sooooooo…when Enoki is still inside the elder’s hut, I will come in a disguise and see how he’s holding up, just to ya know, check in on him.”
“Shimeji! He literally left you, in what way are you checking up on your ex husband?”
“I’m not a stalker”
“You’re totally a stalker”
“No, I’m not”
“And on top of that your giving everybody from Aizawa a bad name”
“Aizawa does not have a stalking issue”
“They do have a stalking issue that’s why I’m angry that you’re from Aizawa and you’re ok with doing this.”
“Following yourhusband around and seeing if they’re ok is NOT stalking”
“You are DIVORCED, when are you going to get it through your thick skull. You could be charged you heathen.”
“Birch what am I supposed to do I am still in love with Enoki, IT’S NOT LIKE I CAN JUST TURN MY FUCKING FEELINGS OFF!”
Birch gave Shimeji a head chop. “Bakayatsu” Birch closed his eyes and shook his head in disappointment. “I might be half and my knowledge of the language might be scattered, but I do know that much”
“Do you even know what love is like? Have you ever been married to the love of your life?”
“Your so called husband was in love with Fir this whole time”
“Wait…how did you know th-” Shimeji gasped and then turned to him in anger. “Are you two dating! How can you be dating that guy? He’s like a total slut? And he’s like way older than you. He’s like my age, that’s like dating me!?”
“No, it’s not because he’s not literally my blood brother”
“Half-brother, would you date your cousin?”
“You don’t know me, maybe I would date my fucking cousin? Who are you to fucking care”
“You literally have no morals. Dad raised you without any morals”
“Funny coming from the guy who’s been stalking his ex-husband for the past MONTH”
“Can we please use a different word”
“Stalker! Stalker! Stalker! Stalker!”
“Birch you’re driving me insane”
“Oh am I, well that’s what you get for calling my boyfriend a man slut”
“He’s probably still sleeping around!”
“Oh that’s precious coming from you and your ex husband”
“Your boyfriend is the one who came over to my place thinking him and Enoki were just gonna have a heart to heart!”
“They did. That’s all it was a HEART TO HEART”
“Oh, and some light groping that’s all, I came in to find them both, FULLY ERECT”
“He was in love with my boyfriend a long time before marrying you”
“Birch” Shimeji motioned as if he wanted to choke Birch by the throat. “I could fucking kill you right now”
“Look whatever Fir used to do in the past, he doesn’t do that anymore”
“Pfffft, yea as far as you know”
“You are so IRRITATING”
Shimeji breathed and stared at Enoki’s bottle of rum that he had left on the table. He hadn’t moved it and had kept everything in the house exactly as Enoki had left it just in case he ever came back. Shimeji then collapsed to the ground and sobbed violently.
“I can’t live without him Birch.” Shimeji muttered through the tears streaming down his face. Birch looked on as his brother sat seemingly completely alone.
“You’ll meet someone new.” Birch tried to say endearingly. Shimeji moved his arm through the tears resisting this idea.
“I don’t want to meet anyone new. I just want my husband back.”
“Shimeji…”
“I don’t even care if he never actually loved me. I was happy with him just being around. And now he’s completely cut me out of his life. It’s like all those years didn’t even matter. Do you know what it’s like to marry the love of your life Birch? I’ve never loved anyone much as I’ve ever loved Noki. In MY LIFE!”
“Can’t you find it in your heart to look for someone new to love? You know, try again?”
“I don’t want to!” Shimeji bared his teeth at Birch and Birch his teeth back. They both started violently growling and extending their claws but after a moment Shimeji shook his head rigorously and they both went back to normal.
“Look,” Birch started. “You can go on and pretend that you’re still living in this fairytale happily ever after with your ex-husband or you could get your shit together and actually look for someone new. Hyacinth seems single right now”
“That fatass? Hell no.”
“You do realize that you’re also-” But in that moment all Birch could think about was Hyacinth’s lips and how he wished they were pressed against his. Every time Hyacinth breathed it was like a cool rush. Birch felt himself grow a little hard, he awkwardly turned away to hide it from his brother.
Birch was in love right? So why was he thinking of thinking of someone else? Shimeji never seemed to think of anyone but Enoki. Maybe Birch wasn’t in love…Birch turned his thoughts back to the conversation.
​
***
“Y-you know I actually think he’s attractive.”
“Birch you have to be careful. You’re naturally skinny. People are gonna make you out to be some kind of chubby chaser or something.”
“Shimeji!”
“No really, you know I had a sit down with Enoki one night and he actually told me he was REALLY into fat guys”
“Shimeji I am not having this conversation with you!” Birch wanted to literally die sitting in his chair.
“No, It’s true. Some guys are into that. That’s why I got the luck of the draw with ‘Noki. I didn’t have time to go the gym anyway. But that’s not why Enoki left Birch there’s actually way more to it.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well we had to see a sex therapist.”
“No…”
“Yup, and you know what we discovered?”
“What? Never mind I don’t want to know”
“We found out that Enoki was literally into making people fat. It’s like a fetish of his.”
“No, no, no, no stop talking”
“Hey you learn a lot about someone when you’re married.”
“Shimeji I do not want to know all this about Enoki I have to literally see him tomorrow.”
“We tried the feeding thing for a while. I would eat all these really fatty foods, but I wasn’t really gaining weight and it made me feel really bloated so I told him we had stop with him feeding me stuff. It was crazy anyway. He was buying the food, it’s not like he had much to barter with at the market anyway. So dumb.”
“I’m not listening la la la la…” Birch covered his ears but Shimeji kept talking.
“And one time Enoki even told me that it would be so hot if I was obese, but I think that was after he was really cutting weight because a big meal the night before.”
“LA! LA! LA! I’m not listening!”
“Everybody in the village knows Birch”
“How!”
“See you were listening. Anyways you don’t want to end up like Enoki Birch. Everybody now knows he’s a chubby chaser. It’s a small village.”
“I’m not into that!”
“You know Aloe Vera? She knows, because the sex therapist thought it was a great idea to blabber off to her friend about one of her fucking patients. Who happened to be me and Noki. Ugh. How frustrating.”
“Wait, everybody knows?”
“Oh yea, Aloe Vera does not keep secrets. Actually she doesn’t believe in them? Which is probably why nobody trusts her but anyways she told some people and they told some people, and then suddenly the village knows about our sex life.”
“It’s funny when you’re not on the tail end of it”
“Hey we can’t all be freaks”
“Shimeji you are an awful human being”
“That’s why I think Enoki still loves me. Because if he didn’t stay for my dog awful personality, at least he stayed for my body.”
“Why are you telling me all of this.”
Shimeji folded his arm around Birch’s shoulder.
“Because you had this picture perfect image of Enoki in your head and now you have to go see him tomorrow and see him as this fat fetishist. Isn’t that hilarious that you know” 🤣